Coming to God in the Age of Reason
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Up until recently, I had no need for God. Certainly not the apocryphal modernized conception I was exposed to in my youth. I considered a belief in God to be small minded. That's why I rejected organized religion altogether and became interested in eastern ideas of spiritual inquiry where the relationship between self and beyond is questioned, and sometimes blurred.
Within yoga philosophy, there is a wide spectrum of viewpoints that encompass a full range of beliefs from atheistic to theistic. For many like myself, the threads of yoga that resonated most were predicated on a somewhere in-between notion of a universal space of consciousness in which all opposites become unified. As one of my teachers used to say: "Yoga is the reconciliation of paradox." Whether or not a higher power exists, as a being or a universal interconnectedness, is a long standing debate within yoga and, historically, either stance would be considered a perfectly respectable position to assume.
My belief came to be that divinity was expressed as an intelligence at work behind the function of the natural world, which successfully fed my religious impulse without any need for a creator. As a function of nature myself, I am not separate. All is one and I am divine. This viewpoint can be quite empowering in that it enables one to feel unbound by the dogmas and limiting conceptions of external authorities. When you've been reared in a culture of fierce individualism, the idea that we are all divine and can create our own reality is profoundly appealing.
My experience of religion as a child left me in a negative reaction to the whole idea of a supreme being or any sort of moral code to follow. I certainly wasn’t going to let the “male doctrine holders” tell me what I need to do or how I should be. In rejecting the flimsy religious practices of my parents, the only other option was to seek guidance from within. My yoga practice has been a way to develop an inner sense of knowing that I have always associated with connection to a universal wisdom consciousness. Intuition and discernment have been the bedrock of my spirituality and an expression of my own inherent power. Yet, when life intervened with challenges of such magnitude that the resources I had within to meet them could not measure up, I needed something bigger than myself to look to.
When you find yourself falling to your knees because your kin are suffering and the weight of the world has become too much to bear, where does one find the strength needed to go on? When death befalls our communities and our minds are gripped with fear, where do we look for consolation to weather our grief and find courage? When confronted with events that can only be described as malevolent, the idealistic assertion that everything happens for a reason, and there is a natural evolution of humanity towards higher consciousness regardless of obvious oppression, easily disintegrates into nothing more than delusion. As the tragedy and strangeness of a world seemingly falling apart has unfolded, I have been forced to question my long held views on both human progress and spirituality.
Initially, my impulse was to look for greater mystical powers. Once you begin to entertain the existence of a non-material realm, there is a whole world of consciousness research that explores remote viewing, morphic resonance, channeling, and much more. I doubled down on my woo and figured I would utilize my will and discipline to cultivate greater facility. And opening yourself to a more limitless possibility can certainly be both exciting and beneficial. The problem was that the actual experience of tapping into the beyond is not what I imagined it would be.
Attempting to summon and feel into subtle energies can be considerably more treacherous than the modern postural yoga and wellness world would have us believe. I just did not have a clear sense of what I was actually trying to do. Who or what was I trying to make contact with? What is it I am hoping will happen? Ultimately, I was just wanting to see if something would happen, harboring a vague wish that it would help me. The truth was that I just wanted to feel more in control. But I wasn’t. In fact, there was very little I was in control of. And what’s worse is that I felt that everything was on my shoulders alone.
Setting aside the profound pitfalls of trying to master the universe, there are three specific instances that come to mind that mark a change in my perspective: When everything fell apart in 2017 and I had to sell the center and move my family, in 2021 when I almost lost our house, and last year when my daughter suffered a mental health breakdown. These are the instances in my adult life where the stakes were most grave and I had no resources or idea as to what to do. And this is when I felt the presence of God.
As I mentioned, I had cultivated my intuition and had had experiences where I felt that I received “messages.” In these moments there usually was a fork in the road and I would observe some kind of sign or get some inclination that led me in the direction that felt the most appropriate for me to go. I felt that I was receiving guidance from a nurturing source. But in these more recent times of complete collapse there really wasn't a fork in the road so much as the edge of a cliff and no possibility to go back the way I had come. A different sort of surrender happened, not just to the unknown, but to a heavenly father, to a creator.
I don’t have good words to express it but I have come to recognize that there is someone I have been talking to in my own head all these years, at my most vulnerable moments, who is not the nurturing mother who comforts me in times of despair but the stable father who comes to my rescue when I am lost and need help in the world. I realized that I have long had a deep and personal relationship with a creator but just never recognized him as such. In these three instances of despair, almost seemingly against my will, I recognized myself laid bare at the feet of my lord. And, in doing so, I received grace.
There is simply no way to explain when miracles occur. When the feeling that there is a guiding force behind life that has responded to you is so undeniable and you feel the love of something so much bigger than yourself that you start to trust it. This religious feeling is the healing of my soul. I have come to believe that this is an essential aspect of humanity and we deny it at our own peril.
I realize that these words might mean different things depending on who is reading them. I am certainly not trying to convince anyone of anything. But I do invite others to question whether their conception of spirituality, or lack thereof, has within it a moral framework. Because it is hard to argue that living in a world where there is no God and we can do whatever we want is leading us to a better place. Also, If we are receiving guidance from beyond the material realm then we probably want to know who or what we are receiving guidance from. And If you hold no belief in the idea of souls or a creator or a non-material realm, and you find yourself annoyed or judgmental of those who do, then I completely understand because it was not too long ago I felt the same.
I only ask that we might avoid condemnation and be respectful of each other, as we are all likely to continue facing choices that will test our mutual humanity. If we, as a people, are to ever find our bearings again then we will need the courage to form common bonds and share love with one another.
